Understanding Eeyore

We are all familiar with Eeyore, the character from Winnie-the-pooh, by A.A. Milne.  He is characteristically perpetually blue and pessimistic. I never truly identified with him before and, although I felt sorry for him, I always wished he would just get his shit together. For the first time in my life, I truly understand how he feels.

Depression is never a word I would use in conjunction with myself. We all feel sad and down at times. Depression is all consuming. It is a feeling of dread and hopelessness. It is like all the sunshine and joy in the world has been sucked into a black hole never to see the light of day again.  Depression is always feeling exhausted and lying in bed paralyzed; unable to get one foot to touch the cold floor.

When it rains it pours. For poor Eeyore his house is always collapsing, and his tail is falling off. These are portrayed in a humours way, yet there is nothing funny about depression. When one small thing goes wrong it feels like the whole world is shattering around you.

I sought out help for my depression. I was prescribed an SSRI which made me violently ill in the beginning. The vomiting was horrific. The bile burnt my oesophagus like it was set on fire. I wanted to rip out my hair. Those were dark days. I have never wanted to end my life more than then. The thing that was supposed to make me feel better was destroying me like a Viking attack on a village. When it rains it pours.

I have been taking the meds now for just over a month and thankfully the side effects have subsided. This week, however, my will to live has once again left me; packed its bags and gone on vacation. I can only hope that it comes back soon; before it is too late.